The First Reginald Bretnor Megapack Read online

  Table of Contents

  COPYRIGHT INFO

  A NOTE FROM THE PUBLISHER

  THE MEGAPACK SERIES

  SUGAR PLUM

  GNURRS COME FROM THE VOODVORK OUT

  CAT

  MAYBE JUST A LITTLE ONE

  UNKNOWN THINGS

  BUG-GETTER

  AUNT’S FLIGHT

  DR. BIRDMOUSE

  THE MAN ON TOP

  THE BEASTS THAT PERISH

  WITHOUT (GENERAL) ISSUE

  MATING SEASON

  MRS. PIGAFETTA SWIMS WELL

  THE MURDERERS’ CIRCLE

  PAPER TIGER

  FUNGO THE UNRIGHTEOUS

  ALL THE TEA IN CHINA

  THROUGH TIME AND SPACE WITH FERDINAND FEGHOOT (5)

  THROUGH TIME AND SPACE WITH FERDINAND FEGHOOT (9)

  THROUGH TIME AND SPACE WITH FERDINAND FEGHOOT (11)

  THROUGH TIME AND SPACE WITH FERDINAND FEGHOOT (13)

  THROUGH TIME AND SPACE WITH FERDINAND FEGHOOT (77)

  THROUGH TIME AND SPACE WITH FERDINAND FEGHOOT (95)

  THROUGH TIME AND SPACE WITH FERDINAND FEGHOOT (101)

  THROUGH TIME AND SPACE WITH FERDINAND FEGHOOT (108)

  THROUGH TIME AND SPACE WITH FERDINAND FEGHOOT (EPSILON)

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  COPYRIGHT INFO

  The First Reginald Bretnor Megapack is copyright © 2013 by Wildside Press LLC. All rights reserved. For publication history of specific stories, see the Acknowledgments section at the end of this volume. For more information, contact the publisher through wildsidepress.com or the Wildside Press Forums.

  This is version 1.3 (correcting a few minor typos).

  A NOTE FROM THE PUBLISHER

  The late Reginald Bretnor (1911-1992) was never a prolific writer—he wrote only a handful of books and about 100 short stories [and more than 120 short-short “Feghoots” under the Grendel Briarton pseudonym]—over a 45-year writing career. Needless to say, he never made a living from writing, unless you count the time he spent creating propaganda for the Office of War Intelligence during World War II. After the end of the war, he took a job with the U.S. State Department, where he remained until retirement.

  In addition to wars, weaponry, and science fiction, Bretnor’s broad interests included cats. (And puns. Did we mention the horrible puns?) These subjects are all touched on in this collection. A sly sense of humor permeates Bretnor’s fiction, and as we work to digitize his complete body of work and present it to readers in a series of Reginald Bretnor Megapacks, we know you’ll have fun reading them.

  —John Betancourt

  ATTN: KINDLE READERS

  The Kindle versions of our Megapacks employ active tables of contents for easy navigation…please look for one before writing reviews on Amazon that complain about the lack! (They are sometimes at the ends of ebooks, depending on your version or ebook reader.) If we do accidentally leave one out, as happened recently with The First Science Fiction Megapack when we created it with new software we didn’t quite understand yet, let us know and we will immediately correct it. We want you to have the best possible experience reading our ebooks!

  RECOMMEND A FAVORITE STORY?

  Do you know a great classic science fiction story, or have a favorite author whom you believe is perfect for the Megapack series? We’d love your suggestions! You can post them on our message board at http://movies.ning.com/forum (there is an area for Wildside Press comments).

  Note: we only consider stories that have already been professionally published. This is not a market for new works.

  TYPOS

  Unfortunately, as hard as we try, a few typos do slip through. We update our ebooks periodically, so make sure you have the current version (or download a fresh copy if it’s been sitting in your ebook reader for months.) It may have already been updated.

  If you spot a new typo, please let us know. We’ll fix it for everyone (and email a revised copy to you when it’s updated, in either epub or Kindle format, if you provide contact information). You can email the publisher at [email protected].

  THE MEGAPACK SERIES

  MYSTERY

  The Achmed Abdullah Megapack

  The Charlie Chan Megapack*

  The Craig Kennedy Scientific Detective Megapack

  The Detective Megapack

  The Father Brown Megapack

  The Girl Detective Megapack

  The First R. Austin Freeman Megapack

  The Second R. Austin Freeman Megapack*

  The Third R. Austin Freeman Megapack*

  The Jacques Futrelle Megapack

  The Anna Katharine Green Mystery Megapack

  The First Mystery Megapack

  The Second Mystery Megapack

  The Penny Parker Megapack

  The Philo Vance Megapack*

  The Pulp Fiction Megapack

  The Raffles Megapack

  The Sherlock Holmes Megapack

  The Victorian Mystery Megapack

  The Wilkie Collins Megapack

  GENERAL INTEREST

  The Adventure Megapack

  The Baseball Megapack

  The Cat Story Megapack

  The Second Cat Story Megapack

  The Third Cat Story Megapack

  The Third Cat Story Megapack

  The Christmas Megapack

  The Second Christmas Megapack

  The Classic American Short Stories Megapack, Vol. 1.

  The Classic Humor Megapack

  The Dog Story Megapack

  The Doll Story Megapack

  The Horse Story Megapack

  The Military Megapack

  The Sea-Story Megapack

  SCIENCE FICTION & FANTASY

  The Edward Bellamy Megapack

  The First Reginald Bretnor Megapack

  The Fredric Brown Megapack

  The Ray Cummings Megapack

  The Philip K. Dick Megapack

  The Dragon Megapack

  The Randall Garrett Megapack

  The Second Randall Garrett Megapack

  The Edmond Hamilton Megapack

  The C.J. Henderson Megapack

  The Murray Leinster Megapack

  The Second Murray Leinster Megapack

  The Martian Megapack

  The E. Nesbit Megapack

  The Andre Norton Megapack

  The H. Beam Piper Megapack

  The Pulp Fiction Megapack

  The Mack Reynolds Megapack

  The Darrell Schweitzer Megapack

  The Science-Fantasy Megapack

  The First Science Fiction Megapack

  The Second Science Fiction Megapack

  The Third Science Fiction Megapack

  The Fourth Science Fiction Megapack

  The Fifth Science Fiction Megapack

  The Sixth Science Fiction Megapack

  The Seventh Science Fiction Megapack

  The Eighth Science Fiction Megapack

  The Robert Sheckley Megapack

  The Steampunk Megapack

  The Time Travel Megapack

  The Wizard of Oz Megapack

  HORROR

  The Achmed Abdullah Megapack

  The Second Achmed Abdullah Megapack

  The E.F. Benson Megapack

  The Second E.F. Benson Megapack

  The Algernon Blackwood Megapack

  The Second Algernon Blackwood
Megapack

  The Cthulhu Mythos Megapack

  The Erckmann-Chatrian Megapack

  The Ghost Story Megapack

  The Second Ghost Story Megapack

  The Third Ghost Story Megapack

  The Haunts & Horrors Megapack

  The Horror Megapack

  The Lon Williams Weird Western Megapack

  The M.R. James Megapack

  The Macabre Megapack

  The Second Macabre Megapack

  The Third Macabre Megapack

  The Arthur Machen Megapack**

  The Mummy Megapack

  The Occult Detective Megapack

  The Darrell Schweitzer Megapack

  The Vampire Megapack

  The Weird Fiction Megapack

  The Werewolf Megapack

  WESTERNS

  The B.M. Bower Megapack

  The Max Brand Megapack

  The Buffalo Bill Megapack

  The Cowboy Megapack

  The Zane Grey Megapack

  The Lon Williams Weird Western Megapack

  The Western Megapack

  The Second Western Megapack

  YOUNG ADULT

  The Boys’ Adventure Megapack

  The Dan Carter, Cub Scout Megapack

  The Dare Boys Megapack

  The Doll Story Megapack

  The G.A. Henty Megapack

  The Girl Detectives Megapack

  The E. Nesbit Megapack

  The Penny Parker Megapack

  The Pinocchio Megapack

  The Rover Boys Megapack

  The Tom Corbett, Space Cadet Megapack

  The Tom Swift Megapack

  The Wizard of Oz Megapack

  AUTHOR MEGAPACKS

  The Achmed Abdullah Megapack

  The H. Bedford-Jones Pulp Fiction Megapack

  The Edward Bellamy Megapack

  The B.M. Bower Megapack

  The E.F. Benson Megapack

  The Second E.F. Benson Megapack

  The Bjørnstjerne Bjørnson Megapack

  The Algernon Blackwood Megapack

  The Second Algernon Blackwood Megapack

  The Max Brand Megapack

  The First Reginald Bretnor Megapack

  The Fredric Brown Megapack

  The Second Fredric Brown Megapack

  The Wilkie Collins Megapack

  The Ray Cummings Megapack

  The Guy de Maupassant Megapack

  The Philip K. Dick Megapack

  The Erckmann-Chatrian Megapack

  The F. Scott Fitzgerald Megapack

  The First R. Austin Freeman Megapack

  The Second R. Austin Freeman Megapack*

  The Third R. Austin Freeman Megapack*

  The Jacques Futrelle Megapack

  The Randall Garrett Megapack

  The Second Randall Garrett Megapack

  The Anna Katharine Green Megapack

  The Zane Grey Megapack

  The Edmond Hamilton Megapack

  The Dashiell Hammett Megapack

  The C.J. Henderson Megapack

  The M.R. James Megapack

  The Selma Lagerlof Megapack

  The Murray Leinster Megapack***

  The Second Murray Leinster Megapack***

  The Jonas Lie Megapack

  The Arthur Machen Megapack**

  The George Barr McCutcheon Megapack

  The Talbot Mundy Megapack

  The E. Nesbit Megapack

  The Andre Norton Megapack

  The H. Beam Piper Megapack

  The Mack Reynolds Megapack

  The Rafael Sabatini Megapack

  The Saki Megapack

  The Darrell Schweitzer Megapack

  The Robert Sheckley Megapack

  The Bram Stoker Megapack

  The Lon Williams Weird Western Megapack

  The Virginia Woolf Megapack

  * Not available in the United States

  ** Not available in the European Union

  ***Out of print.

  OTHER COLLECTIONS YOU MAY ENJOY

  The Great Book of Wonder, by Lord Dunsany (it should have been called “The Lord Dunsany Megapack”)

  The Wildside Book of Fantasy

  The Wildside Book of Science Fiction

  Yondering: The First Borgo Press Book of Science Fiction Stories

  To the Stars—And Beyond! The Second Borgo Press Book of Science Fiction Stories

  Once Upon a Future: The Third Borgo Press Book of Science Fiction Stories

  Whodunit?—The First Borgo Press Book of Crime and Mystery Stories

  More Whodunits—The Second Borgo Press Book of Crime and Mystery Stories

  X is for Xmas: Christmas Mysteries

  SUGAR PLUM

  On a clear spring evening in 2189, Charles Edward Button came home half an hour late for his supper, tossed his hat to the robot butler who came out from behind the DoItAll, and announced that he had just bought a planet.

  His wife, Betty, was looking small and long-suffering on a plastic reproduction of a Victorian love-seat, and her cousin Aurelia, a large, handsome woman, was standing behind her protectively.

  “Of course,” he informed them, “it’s not a big planet. But what a bargain! With real oceans, and two moons, and—”

  “Real estate, real estate, real estate!” Cousin Aurelia’s tart voice cut him off in mid-sentence. “You know what’s come of every one of your investments. Call the man right now and tell him you want your money back!”

  “I’m afraid it’s too late.” Charles avoided her eye. “I bought it up at a tax-auction and—well, the government never refunds.”

  “I thought so. A planet nobody wants. Probably all run down, with swamps and deserts, and in some dreadful, shabby district where the neighbors have squirmy tentacles, or eyes on stalks, or big, nasty beaks!”

  “It isn’t at all. It’s in a good neighborhood—only two systems away from the Inchcapes’ new summer planet. A little remote, but that means more privacy.” He took a catalogue out of his pocket. “’Parcel 71,’” he read. “’Sugar Plum, a Class IV planet’—that means it’s like Earth, only bigger—‘claimed 8/12/85 by Space Captain Alexander Burgee, under Planetary Homestead Act of 2147 (amended.)’ And here’s his description of the place where he landed: ‘Neat as a pin, fine climate, full of critters and fish, quite uninhabited.’ He was lost in Deep Space, poor fellow. That’s why they sold it.”

  * * * *

  Betty smiled faintly. “The Inchcapes call their planet Bide-A-Wee. I think Sugar Plum’s ever so much nicer. But—but can we afford it?”

  “We certainly can’t!” fumed Cousin Aurelia. “We’ll put it back on the market and salvage whatever we can.”

  “No, we won’t,” Charles said firmly. “And it’s not just a summer resort. We’re pulling up stakes to live there all year round.”

  Betty gasped.

  Cousin Aurelia straightened up, bristling.

  “I have made up my mind,” Charles went on. “I have done a lot of serious thinking.” He pointed at the heavily framed neo-daguerreotype portraits on the walls. “Our ancestors rediscovered the only true principles, those of the great Nineteenth Century. They brought the Second Victorian Age into being. Civilization reached its peak, its full flowering. But now all is crumbling before the poisonous onslaught of modernism. We who have not been corrupted must seek out a refuge. That, Cousin, is why I bought Sugar Plum.”

  “Nonsense!” exclaimed Cousin Aurelia. “There may be changes everywhere else, but never in Boston.”

  “Ha!” Charles looked a
t his watch. “Solomon!” he called out.

  The butler came bowing out of the DoItAll nook, where the servants stayed when they were switched off. He wore a swallowtail coat and knee-breeches, and had kinky white hair. Made to order, he was Cousin Aurelia’s idea.

  “Yassuh, Marse Charles. Here Ah is.”

  “Solomon,” ordered Charles, “tune in Watson Widgett.”

  Betty paled, uttering a polite little scream.

  “Are you mad?” cried Cousin Aurelia. “I’ve heard about him. I’ll not have that man in my home!”

  Charles squared his shoulders. “Cousin, may I remind you that I am head of this house, and that we are Victorians? It’s high time you found out what’s going on. Solomon!”

  “Yassuh.”

  There was a click from the DoItAll, a brief flash of light and a figure appeared in their midst, a cheerful young man in loose trousers and shirt, without coat, waistcoat, cravat, or even a pair of suspenders. He was grinning at Cousin Aurelia.

  “Boys and girls,” he was saying, “Wyoming has outlawed corsets! The folks in Siskiyou, California, have given women the vote! And listen to this. The Bikini swimsuit—just a wisp and a twist—is back on the market!” He winked loathsomely. “Yes, indeed, our prize fake Victorians, our second-hand stuffed shirts, are due for a fall. Here’s the best news today, from a cute little lady right here in old Boston.” He unfolded a paper. “Dear Watsy, When I first found your program, I was a real Mrs. Biedermeyer. Marriage was something we gentlewomen tried to endure while we knitted an anti-macassar. It wasn’t supposed to be fun. Then a friend tipped me off to your—”

  At this point, Cousin Aurelia emitted a shriek, rolled her eyes and crumpled to the carpet.

  Charles gestured and the commentator vanished with a click and a flash. Betty scurried out and returned with the smelling salts.

  Presently, Cousin Aurelia regained her senses, shivered, and said, “It’s too awful for words. If it were not for Betty, I would surely have left long ago. As it is, I shall go where you go, to protect her, of course.”

  Then she permitted Betty to help her to her feet and out of the room.